One day we’re best friends. The next we’re not. Wait, we can be friends now. This seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life thus far. I am afraid of each and every one of my best friends, because they are whom I am most vulnerable. I allow them to hear me cry. I allow them to see me crumble and feel weak, and for this they have the utmost control over me. I am anything but debtless to them. I owe them the world in fact, and it worries me how I allow myself to feel so attached and responsible for their well being internally. My ability to love people, and people’s inability to fulfill expectations I believe are set low, cause me to wonder if I will ever establish a lasting healthy relationship in my life. Why is it that the only way to seem attractive is through being unattainable? I become available to my friends because I cherish each moment we spend together. This scares me most of all. I wish I wanted to be alone more, but when I’m alone I’m the most self-destructive. I think, and think, and think, and think, until I overanalyze every thing. I’m frightened of feeling unwanted by you. I’m terrified, petrified, mortified of losing you. You are my escape from home, and I wish you weren’t. I have become homeless, wandering from place to place hoping to establish some real bond where I am treated as an equal, and respected for my opinions. It scares me that I haven’t found it in any of you yet. Maybe one. But, the fear of smothering that one person overwhelms me as well. I’m drowning in my fear of loving you. Why won’t you let me love you?
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