Camp

I ‘m cold and alone here. I wish I was missed. I wish people called… texted… even if they think I don’t have my phone. I still wish people would go out of their way to hear my voice. Ask me how I’m doing. Anything…. I feel like I fell off the face of the earth, and no one cares to make sure I’m still breathing. It should have been me. It should’ve been. Look. No one misses me. I’m just another friend. Another person who walks in and out of their lives. I’m not worth keeping. I’m not worth inviting to a wedding, or even a musical. Nothing. Why? Why? Why me? Why can’t I just find happiness? Nothing ever just goes right. Why can’t it? Why can’t I have just one thing that falls through? I know I’ll NEVER have anything. But why can’t I have something? I miss you. I miss you all so much. I need my best friends. This is good for me. This is good for me. Say it again, and again, and again, and again. Until I believe it. Because I’m beginning to lose hope.

I want a best friend. I want someone reliable. Who will be there for me when I need them, and who will allow me to be there for them when they need me? I need it. I wish I wasn’t so annoying, emotional, boring, and eccentric. I wish I was a better friend. A better person. But, I’m not. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not some bitch you can walk all over anymore. I’m a person. With feelings. With a heart. With a mind. With a soul.

You ripped my heart out and through it in my face. I loved you so much. I loved you more than my OWN FAMILY at times. And now. I’m alone. I let you go. And I’m afraid to text you now. Because I’ll annoy you. Because I’ll bother you. I miss you so much. Do you ever wonder how much it destroyed me when you sent me those text messages? Even worse…. Do you even wonder how much it killed me when you wouldn’t even make eye contact with me anymore? It felt like two brick walls filled with needles pressing against me heart. I tried to fight and hide the pain, but the more I fought it, the deeper the needles pressed, and before I knew it my heart was bleeding out every last ounce of blood it has ever pumped for you. I want to die. I want to die. I’m no good for anyone. Anyone. No one wants to be with me. No one ever did. Like I said. I’m just another friend. Another girl. Another person. I need to stop this madness. Maybe one day I’ll disappear for good. Maybe it’ll be better because you’ll be able to breath again. The needles are pressing again. Deeper, deeper, and deeper.