Car sick

WHAT THE FUCK?!!?!?
This week has by far been one of the best and worst weeks of my life. I lived my passion with my entire gut and being, I got into an accident, i rode my heart out and fell off straight into a pole, I felt used and loved at the exact time by my best friends, and worst and best of all, you BOTH came back..... for the most part. Can someone tell me what in the world is going on? I've been so happy and upset at the same time. I miss you so. But, now i feel the weight falling back onto my shoulders. My guard is at an all time high. Higher than man has yet to reach. I hate it. It's eating me alive. I want to fill you both in. On everything. Go back to the way things were when everything was so simple. So, smooth. Now it's as if we drive into pothole after pothole. My head keeps bobbing, my heart racing, and steadying with each and every dip. I feel us falling and climbing in a matter of seconds. But each time I try to reach for either of your hands for comfort, my hands tremble, and find them once again resting in my lap. But, i'm still reaching. I don't want to fall anymore. I like where i am. I know who i am. I'm happy. I think... Who are you people!?!?!? Why do you both think that you can just walk in and out of my life whenever you please!?!?!?!?!?! I'm not a doormat! You can't just wipe your feet on me and clean me off whenever you please. I have a say in this also! Don't I? I'm sick of altering myself to satisfy you. And i would never ask you to do that for me. Never. Because i know how painful it is. I feel more alone than ever before right now. I don't know how to be. I'm so used to either having you, all of you, or none of you at all. How do i find the fucking middle?!!?! I'm so fucking scared of smothering you, or smothering myself. You both destroyed me. Both of you in such separate ways, but i sacrificed for both of you so similarly. My family. The people i grew up with, who taught me the basics to life. I fought with them for you. For BOTH of you. I hate you both so much! I hate you! I hate you sooo much that i can't help but love you. I'm in so much pain. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get me the fuck out of here. I'm trapped. I can't breath. Breath Ann, breath. What the fuck. What the fuck. I need to get this out. But, it not enough. Why am i feeling this way?!!? SOMEONE TELL ME IF THIS IS RIGHT! Can someone tell me if this is ok? Healthy? ANYTHING! I'm shaking, and this car ride seems to go on forever. I'm sandwiched between you both, and i can't help but lean one way as the car shifts. I need to find this middle. I want to find this middle. I hope I never need to. I think i'm going to be sick.