Count Down.

Hate is the most powerful entity in the world. It feeds man's motives, and blinds man's ability to reason. I've become victim to this hatred. It's consuming me. I never hated, or said I hated something so much in my entire life until today. I'm not a child anymore, and I'm SO close to being an adult. It eats me alive to acknowledge that I do not have complete control over my life because of my age. I want out. I can't wait for next year. For true independence...

They treat me like a child. They don't take my word. They continuously shelter me. I know auntie. I fucking know everything. This family is so corrupt. So, twisted. God. And, there's not way out except to leave. To have a real excuse as to why I can't come visit. I don't want to anymore. You're pushing me away with every ridiculously unreasonable rule you set on me. I want to enjoy my time here. I deserve to be able to voice my own opinions and not have them immediately processed as wrong. Even through all of your arrogance, I still find a way to hear you spit your words at me and everyone else. One day. One day where a small problem does not become a massive issue. That's all I ask for. All I need is support. No, I don't want your money. I need your belief, your happiness that I am stepping outside the box you chose to enclose yourself in. I will not be the finishing seal on the cover. I am the massive tear, which continues to fight against being packaged for good. And... I'm terrified.

I want more than anything to achieve happiness. I want to never feel that I work a day in my life, because I enjoy what I do so much. I want a strong supporting family who feels at home whenever they set foot into my estate. What if I fuck up? What if i'm wrong about all this? Is that what you want? You want me to doubt myself?? Well, i'm fucking doubting and it's getting me no where.

- I need to get accepted to college, out of state, on a full financial package.
- I need to pay for my own vocal lessons, because you people honestly don't give a damn about providing for my future.
- I need to get straight A's this semester and rock the two plays at my school.
- I need to ensure my ability to trust my best friends.
- I need to breath.
- I need to make sure all my songs are perfect for auditions.
- I need to get ready for my horse show, and help my parents fill out financial aid forms.
- I need to take pictures.
- I need to make memories.
- I need to enjoy my last year of being supported financially by my parents.
- I need to breath.
- I need to finish all my community service.
- I need to find a healthy distraction. (Not a boy.)
- I need to work out three times a week to continue losing weight.
- I need to cut my diet in half. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
- I need to submit an AP photo portfolio.
- I need to visit Muhlenberg.
- I need to visit Humboldt and Redlands.
- I need to be there for my friends.
- I need to breath.
- I need to plan my summer vacation.
- I need to find a stable job wherever I go.
- I need to focus on one thing at a time.
- I need to communicate better with my parents.
- I need to let people go.
- I need to continue breathing.
- I need to prevent myself from failing.
- I'm afraid the the only achievement I'll ever make will be disappointment and failure.

I love all of you so much. And in order to sustain that love and prevent it from sinking into my black hole, I need space. A lot of space. I need to feel real freedom; real independence. I'm almost ready for it. Just 11 more months. The count down begins now.
-