It's a mess.

Expectations destroy everything. Once you begin to expect things out of a person they automatically disappoint you. It may not be done purposefully, but that's just the way people work.
I wish I could depend on people.
I wish I could rely on someone.
I wish I could call you right now.
I wish I could hear your voice.
I wish things were the way they used to be.
I wish I'd stop living in the past. =/

Ouch. I feel it in my gut. I'm all twisty. Where are you when I need you? I only want you. I only want our friendship. I want to be someone's everything again. That's what's missing. I see it now. I have all of you. I have you. But none of you want all of me, or will ever need all of me like you did.

You called me everyday.
I called you everyday.
I saw you everyday.
You wanted to see me everyday.
You wanted to spend time with me.
You wanted to just sit and talk with me for hours.
You told me things you had never told anyone else.
You trusted me.
You loved me.
And not it's gone.
All of it.
Every last drop.

I'm sinking again. Fuck. Someone pull me out of this. I want to disappear. I'm worthless. No one wants me. No one loves me. No one, no one, cares to really know what's on my mind.

I want to die. I can't imagine not being able to take a breath. Or not being able to feel my pulse. Or not being able to open my eyes and see the sunlight. But, what's the point when I feel there is nothing to live for.

My mom has gotten worse. She'll never understand me. I don't know my father. My mother has pushed him away from me. She doesn't understand how much damage she's done to me. My whole family doesn't understand. They only see the outside. None of them truly know me. None of them know me for my sense of humor, for my pain, or for my passions. They know me for my anger, my lack of patience, and my youth. When will they really see me? When will they understand? It's all just such a mess.