I will follow.

What changed your mind? Do you actually miss me? Am i dreaming? I must be because i don't feel anything. I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to. I'm confused. We spoke on the phone for two hours. Maybe even longer than that. You mentioned nothing about the past few months. You said we need to "talk." But, as usual... you were too caught up in yourself, or had maybe changed your mind to actually resolve this problem between us. We talk now. We hang out now. I do things for you again. I'm starting to think though.... maybe i shouldn't. I don't want to be used. I don't want what happened two months ago to happen again. I need security. I need to know that you won't choose to walk away once again. But i can never be sure of that. I don't think I'll ever be able to let you in again, but having you close gives you enough power to have some control over me. I trusted you.. I relied on you.... I leaned on you when i was weak... I respected you... but, I still love you. This is where my weakness lies. I want you back. I want you back too badly. Please come back. Please, please. Talk to me. Convince me to trust you again. I miss you so much. I miss you and me so much. I miss being around you. Cracking up with you. Prank calling people with you. Talking with you. I miss it so much. Words cannot describe how badly I want to allow this wall i built to crumble beneath me. I want to be vulnerable again. I want to be sure you'll never leave me. I want to be sure i can tell you anything and you'll never judge me. Even for the stupid things. I wish you'd never gotten sick of me. Am i that repulsing? Am i so disgusting that even when i gave you everything it still wasn't good enough? It doesn't even lighten your disgust for me? I still do not know what i did. I want to know. I want to know. I want to know. But, i keep telling myself i can't know. I can't know because once i do, it will be my mission to change it. To impress you. To win you back. But, I should not be the once fighting. Remember when you told me how bad you felt that you said you'd never be able to "fully" trust me? How everything reminded you of me? How you trust me with everything, and love me more than anyone? I wish i didn't. It hurts the most when i think about what I've lost. Especially when i don't even know why i lost it. Your secrets remained my secrets, even after you probably wished you hadn't shared them with me at all. I did not mean to tell anyone any of those secrets, if i did at all. All i know. Is consciously i did not tell a soul. However, i know you've told mine. Even when it was still you and me, you betrayed my trust. But, i forgave you. Gave you the benefit of the doubt because i accepted you for your imperfections. I tried to help you. I tried to give you as much knowledge that i had acquired because i wanted you to grow with me. I wanted to be able to share things with you, that only you would understand. But, now i question your ability to ever fully understand me. I'm different now. And so are you. We've grown apart. Into separate people with completely different perspectives. And we don't know those people. We don't know what each other has gone through these past couple months. They've been one of the hardest time periods in my life thus far, and i know they have been for you too. I wish i could have supported you through them. I wish i could have been there. I wish i could make things better. Make you happy. I wish i could. But i can't. And i hope you've found someone who does. I guess i never did. I need to let go. You're too close. It's so weird for me to see you on my call log, or have texts that aren't condescending from you. I've adjusted my life to be without you, and now that you're back, kind of, i don't know which way to turn. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Ah. I want to hug you. I want to tell you everything. Everything you don't know. I want you to know me. Inside and out. I want your honesty and care for what i have to say. I'm here. I'm still here. I'll always be, as best i can. As best i can. I'll do the best i can. I'll try my hardest. To be away from you. To be there for you. As best i can without smothering you again. I hope you never have to see this. I hope no one does. I hope this stays hidden forever. Feeling this way is unacceptable now. I need to be stable. I am stable. I'm just a little wobbly when i try to dance. So, I'll let you lead. Maybe i won't stumble over my own feet again if i chose to follow.